The Fountain

I watched the most incredible movie today. The Fountain. Such beautiful cinematography, music and a breathtaking story. I feel more enlightened after watching it.

It tells three parallel stories one in reality, and the other two are a manuscript being played out.

Within each is a common thread of the desire for immortality. And finding the tree of life. Each man in the story is trying desperately to find the tree of life for their dying lovers and throughout the seemingly short film they and the watcher both learn so much about love and death and moving on.

Such a powerful story, there is a bit of bittersweet irony however, lessons learned too late. But in the end you walk away feeling more comfortable with the idea that you are a mortal being.

I am mortal. I will die. I will make the best of my life.

"Death is the road to awe"

The Truth About Cats and Dogs

Today it rained. It was cold but not too cold. I can't wait until summer is really here and flourishing. The sun always seems to make me smile.

I want to see the flowers smile, the rivers dance and I want to feel the lush grass between my toes.

I feel so much. I haven't felt like this before. I have always hidden my emotions and within the past year they have emerged in a very traumatic way, but as I have gotten more used to them and learned about who I really was, I am more comfortable.

With the sadness, frustration, anxiety that came with discovering my feelings and who I am really as a person I have obtained a great sense of the world and life. I feel so much more aware, and enlightened and just like my eyes open that much more, and the colors and sounds are that much more brilliant.

I feel like I finally am starting to understand why things are the way they are, and what is meant to happen, and that you must let things run their course and you must just be. You just have to exist and some things will come to you when you least expect them to.

I feel very much in tune with the things that had been enigmatic to me for years. I feel like I am finally becoming an adult and the kind of person I have always dreamed of becoming.

It truely is a beautiful feeling.

Comfortably Numb

Becoming an adult is so difficult. People always say 'Growing up is tough', but you never really realize how tough until you are there. I am in this strange transitional stage of going from being a kid to an adult, but the funny thing is, I haven't felt like a kid for so long.

I think, when you go through traumatic experiences as a child it leaves you feeling like you have to act more like an adult, it makes you feel like you are an adult, but in reality, emotionally you are still a child.

For years I felt like I was a grown up, but I was just lying to myself. I was acting mature, and doing things that were ahead of my age, but those were just actions. Outwardly I was very mature for my age, but inside.. inside my head I was still a kid. I just wouldn't let myself admit that. And now, now that I am 19 years old and I've finally let myself feel, I realize how behind I am emotionally for my age.

I've begun my journey into adulthood, it was a rough take off and it has been far from easy so far, but I am moving forward. You can only move forward. Time keeps ticking by even when you want it to so badly stop, so I suppose this will be my place to document my thoughts and achievements and failures.

An empty 'sheet of paper' is always intimidating, and I can't lie. I spent 3 hours with this open, unsure of how to start... but now that I have, I must keep going. And it will, at the very least be something meaningful to me.

I feel like the Old Woman and the Sea...

I hope the waves take me some place wonderful. But, we will see.